Reframing how we think about dysregulated kids

If we are being honest with ourselves, we’ve all been there. We look at that pile of dishes in the sink, that load of laundry that needs to be washed, dried, folded (or all three), the dinner that needs to be made, the bills that need to be paid, the lawn that needs to be mown or the drive that needs to be shoveled, the drawer that needs to be cleaned out, the meeting we need to attend (which obviously could have been an email), the papers that need to be graded, (need I go on?) and we just…can’t! The list is too long, our brains or bodies are too tired, and we just can’t muster the time or energy needed to get the things done that need to be done.

So, what do we do? That depends on the person. Some people dive into mindless activities, some people become unglued, emotionally, or even physically. We might scroll on our phones, binge-watch shows on Netflix, have a drink, eat some ice cream, order a pizza, take a walk, do some art, do a puzzle, play video games, take a nap, cry, or some other coping mechanism we’ve come up with that works for us. Of course, eventually we get done what needs to get done, but at a time when we feel more mentally equipped to manage the tasks.

However, we are adults, and we are allowed that luxury just because of our “grown up” status. Kids though, especially those in a school (whether traditional or in a homeschool setting), tutoring, or therapy session are rarely given permission to take that step or two back and regroup before engaging in required tasks. This goes for all kids, but especially with neurodivergent kids and kids with learning differences. And we get it, in a classroom or session, there is not a lot of time to step back, take a pause, and regroup. Class times are limited, tutoring or therapy sessions are short. We adults running them want to use our limited time in the most efficient way possible. But the truth is, if a child is dysregulated, not a whole lot of learning or growth is going to be occurring. So, recognizing this ourselves, and teaching our charges to recognize it in themselves, and to advocate for a break can go a long way in forging strong bonds and, we would posit, in the overall learning.

Dysregulation, by definition, means having difficulty managing your emotions and the way you react to those emotions. Neurodivergency runs on a spectrum, so it can be used to describe a wide variety of individuals. In the same vein, learning differences run the gamut of possibilities. When things seem hard for these kids, it can be almost impossible for both you to work with them and for them to learn. Imagine trying to teach or even communicate with someone wearing headphones. They have a song, a book, or a podcast going on in their head, so tuning into what you are saying is…impossible. We are suggesting that the same holds true when trying to teach or talk to a child or student who is overwhelmed. Kids have not had as much experience with recognizing those overwhelming feelings nor finding ways to deal with them. They get overwrought, overly emotional, and that leads to shutting down.

As the adults in the situation, we are in the unique position to reframe our thinking around student/child reactions and interactions. We can train ourselves to recognize when kids are dysregulated, overwhelmed, or just plain checked out. And instead of taking these behaviors as a personal affront, we can lean into them, take a step back ourselves, and come up with a contingency plan to help them get back on track. Will this disrupt the flow of learning? Yes, but it must be asked, were they able to learn in that state anyhow? Absolutely not.

There are any number of ideas to break someone out of an emotional meltdown or just an episode of being unable to calm themselves. You could try a game! Some standard thinking games that can help settle the brain are chess, checkers, or mancala. They require concentration and strategy and are often just what an older child needs to quiet their mind. For the younger child, you could try Uno, go fish, Jenga Yeti in My Spaghetti, tic tac toe, or any number of strategy games where the mind must engage. An art break is another great idea. Let the child have a notebook or just some plain paper and allow them to create. Maybe they need crayons or markers or maybe just a pencil or pen. You can have mandalas or coloring pages as well. These small breaks can often help calm their brains so that they can get back to the task at hand. You can try a building activity, with blocks or Legos. These activities require rather mindless concentration and creativity. If the child is old enough, you could introduce knitting or crocheting. The repetitive motion is great for calming the mind. Some kids need to move. Have them walk around, do a dance break, jump on a mini trampoline or bounce on a giant ball. You can try brain training where you have them do activities where they cross the midline of their body. A few of these are cross body kicks or punches. These activities have been shown to help organize and calm the mind. For the booklover, just giving them time to read is so freeing. Maybe a small snack or a drink could help them focus. Any way to redirect the brain is going to be helpful.

Ultimately, it is going to take knowing the child well enough to know what they like and where their interests lie. All children are unique. If they are old enough, have a conversation with them. Help them to recognize when they are getting overwhelmed and how to communicate that to you. If they are not old enough for that kind of conversation, or if they are not capable of communicating that with you, it is up to you to recognize the signs and to find a way to redirect. Don’t let the stress of getting through the task, the lesson, or the session hold you back from making this bold decision. You will eventually end up with better behaviors, calmer kids, and a stronger bond. Everyone deserves to be given some grace when they are feeling overwhelmed. We as adults give ourselves this grace when we need it. Let’s grant that same grace to the youngest and most vulnerable around us. We promise, you won’t regret it!

Thank you for reading,

Jill B, M.A., M.Ed., CCC-SLP