Patience is a Virtue

Patience is a Virtue

Most people have spent their lives hearing from a parent, grandparent, teacher, or some other elderly acquaintance that patience is a virtue. A little research tells us that this phrase can be traced back quite a long way, having shown up in the teachings of famed philosopher St. Thomas Aquinas as well as in literature by Geoffrey Chaucer, author of The Canterbury Tales. Further digging reveals this idea originating in the 2nd or 3rd century CE. What does it mean? In its simplest form, patience is a virtue means that patience is a valuable moral quality which helps those who practice it endure difficulties, challenges, and delays without becoming overly anxious.

In today’s blog, we will be looking at ways to practice patience in our own lives, especially as it relates to interacting with our children, students, and clients and at ways to teach those same children, students, and clients ways to practice patience. In our present instant gratification society, gaining this skill can be a game changer for you and your charges.

First up, our own patience. For most people, as we age, we gain patience. As young parents, teachers, or therapists, it is easy to get overwhelmed by the responsibilities inherent in being in charge of children. Before the experience of adult life is fully upon us, we tend to be of the mindset that our way is the right way, and that’s the way others should do…whatever…study, clean, play, talk, act, learn…It can lead to frustrations when we can’t get others to see what is clearly the “right way” to do things. As we age, and as we experience child rearing, teaching, working with young people from all different backgrounds, with all different life circumstances, with all different strengths and weaknesses, we begin to become aware of the fact that our way of doing something is right for us, but that doesn’t mean it is right for everyone.

In our last blog, we discussed the different learning styles that have been identified by educational researchers. We won’t dive into all that again, but invite you to go back and read it. So while for one person, listening and talking may be the perfect way to learn a skill, for someone else, it might be in one ear, out the other, without ever taking hold in the brain. And that’s ok. But this is also where patience comes in. We must learn, as adults, how to be ok with things not happening the way we want them to and when we want them to,

Here are some practical tips for working on our own patience.

1. Practice mindfulness - when frustrations threaten to overflow, take some breaths and focus on the good, the present moment, progress made…whatever gets you through a difficult moment. You might engage in some meditation or yoga. Both practices have a long and successful history helping mindfulness.

2. Reframe your perspective - work on accepting that you cannot control everything around you. Focus on how you choose to react to frustrating situations. Are your reactions serving you well? Recognize what triggers your frustrations.

3. Actively slow down - find activities that help center your mind and slow your body down. Some fun ones include crafting or art, reading or writing. Try exposure therapy like driving in the slow lane or picking the longest line to wait in. Be proud of yourself when you don’t react in frustration when you have to wait.

4. Practice empathy and self-compassion - Try to look at situations from other people’s point of view (or POV as the young ones like to say these days!) Be gentle with yourself when your frustrations rise. Try some positive self-talk to bring yourself back down.

5. Manage expectations - set realistic expectations to avoid frustrations, for both yourself and for your kids.

6. Don’t take it personally - understand that what is happening with others rarely has anything to do with you, but is, instead, a product of what is going on in their lives. Work on understanding why others are behaving the way they are.

Next we will look at the kids. Is this a perfect science? No. Patience in children is TOUGH!! Most kids want what they want, or want to do what they want, the way they want, when they want, and it almost always is now. But there are some tips and tricks that can help kids learn patience.

1. Tracking time - use visual timers, whatever you have…sand timer, electric timer, wall clock…to help kids visualize how long they need to wait. You can talk about it, give countdown alerts. 

2. Validate and reassure - Let kids know that frustration is a natural part of life and that you understand. Stay calm and rational, speak in a soothing voice. Do not escalate if they begin to spiral up. 

3. Play “waiting” games - turn any situation which might trigger frustration at having to wait into a game. You can play “I spy with my little eye” an alphabet game, a math game, a quiz game, name that tune, geography bowl, spelling bee, whatever works for the age level to get their minds off the frustration and waiting. Time will begin to fly by for them.

4. Turn tasks into small goals - focus on completing one step at a time. Celebrate those completions. Help the child feel proud that they get through one part. Then move on to the next. Sometimes for young kids, complete tasks take way more attention and focus than they actually have in their tanks. But broken into smaller steps it can be manageable. 

5. Provide choices - This comes back to that “your way is not always the right way”. Often parents or teachers struggle with trying to get kids to do things their way (which of course, they believe to be the right way) but that doesn’t always sit well with kids. Children are people too. They have voices and opinions and it really is important that we try to honor that, as long as safety is not an issue. Say, for instance, you are helping your child get dressed for picture day at school. You have, in your mind’s eye, the perfect outfit. It coordinates with siblings, or with their coloring. You know how you want their hair to look. You know where you are going to hang the picture. Then comes the morning of picture day. You lay out the perfect outfit and your child throws a fit. They have their opinions, they know what they like and don’t like. This is probably an area that you will need to practice your patience, and in doing so, you will be modeling for your child. You can deescalate any situation by remaining calm and really listening to your child. In the scheme of life, what a child wears in a school picture is really of zero importance, and not worth a fight. And you can teach your child a valuable lesson about patience and acceptance.

6. Choose activities where waiting is expected and required - plant a garden from seeds, read a book aloud but only a chapter per day, play board games or card games where children have to take turns, help your child set a goal to buy something and a way to earn and save money to do so, practice delaying gratification in small ways (snack time, screen time, play sessions).

I’m sure we could come up with many more ways to practice our own patience and to help young ones learn patience. It’s not going to be a one size fits all situation. There will be trial and error. You will lose your cool and so will your kids. Be forgiving of yourself and others, vow to do better next time, and move forward with confidence. In time, patience will come to you all and you will be proud that you possess the virtue of patience.

Thanks for reading  :_)

The Speech & Smile Team!